Moments exist in your life when you defeat yourself when you don’t have to. Where it seems like the end, but it is not. In most cases, an ending is a choice. Your life is not over just because you lose your apartment.
At the end of January, I am to vacate the apartment I had lived in since Dec. 2014. Another person had this apartment and permitted me to stay. Now, they must let the lease come to its natural close. I am very grateful for opportunity this provided for me to attempt to recover to a more functional situation in society. You learn that opportunity is not a guarantee of success. Still, it is good this situation is ending.
I do have a single, part-time job. Presently, my net income is good enough to allow me to eat, fuel a car, and so on, but insufficient to sustain normal lodging. Throughout the past year, I have applied for many jobs and had interviews. I was never offered another job this past year although there were possible opportunities that would not change my income situation. Part of what I wanted to accomplish by relentlessly applying for jobs was to avoid this looming situation. I have lived in my car and wandered between hotels before and had hoped to prevent it this time.
Personal, domestic stability is a very good thing. I once had it, through my own efforts, for 7 unbroken years. That ended in March 2009. My quest to recover has matched the number of years of prosperity I once had. A good question is, since they equal in length, do they cancel out and I truly start over now? Probably a silly question. This past year has been relatively steady and the thought of the present situation and situations like it going away can instill fear in a person’s mind. Sometimes fear is also a choice and we can choose to face it.
My fear was I would lose the apartment and be unable to function in a job. I was prepared to resign my position as a result and accept what would come after. Recently, I began to think, I can still function in the job if I can get sufficient rest whether I have an apartment/hotel or not. I still have a job, so … keep the job and keep going.
I overcame my fear and a possibly unnecessary decision to resign a position by realizing, as long as I think through it, I don’t really have to be afraid of what people think about a person that doesn’t have a stable place to live. Some of us cannot have what others have and we should not be ashamed of that.
Writing this blog post is actually embarrassing from a certain point of view. Part of my reason for writing is to push myself past shame. I do not have to be ashamed of my life situation. I also don’t have to hold my head up in illusory bravo nor let it settle southward. Rather, hold my head steady and look ahead. Or, at least commit myself to doing so most of the time.
I realized the shame and humiliation that I was imagining was irrelevant. Then there is this book I have nearly finished that has served as a strong and detailed reminder that a situation, at least emotionally, is generally all in how you view it. Kind of like Alec Guinness‘ character telling a character portrayed by Mark Hamill that things often are defined by our point of view.
The next thing was to recognize that despite a far less convenient situation, I currently have tools that I didn’t have the last 3 times I went through this situation. I got a job where there is far less unfavorable judgment towards people with problems. That also means I will at least be able to feed myself even if it is not food I prepare myself. I got an old SUV with decent gas mileage and where I can sleep more comfortably than the ultra compact I had before. Also, Gander Mountain, Wal-Mart, and Starbucks are nearby if I need anything else. Challenges exist in that sort of life but you are still alive. Perhaps things will change at the last moment or later … I only have to keep to a steady path. Whatever the case may be, I decided that if I am destroyed by other means outside of my direct control, at least it won’t be by my own hands.