Many things have occurred in the weeks following my mother’s death. Actually, I didn’t realize how much I loved my mother until she was gone. I took her presence for granted. She was on this earth before I was born and was always available my entire life until recently. I could always talk to her, keep her company, and learn from her about life.
After her departure, I felt this deep emptiness. An unexplainable sensation in the solar plexus as if my soul had caved in on itself. A void that ran down to the abyss of absolute sadness and pure rift from joy and awareness of life. That wasn’t something felt often. Just an experience that may emerge suddenly, last a few minutes until reason kicked in and reminded me of good things.
I have better dialog with my biological siblings. Our increased closeness has been a blessing and has made things easier. I am truly glad about that.
Relations with my mother’s husband and his family from a prior marriage disintegrated completely, but such things do happen. I decided to accept this and move on. I wish all well.
I have learned a lot this past few weeks. Hard life lessons I would have wished deferred to a much later time. Experiences that have transformed my psyche, personhood, and understanding of this life, people, and situations. Other, much older friends told me about when their parents departed and gave me much insight upon which to understand the situation. One of them mentioned that you will simply not be the same.
Regarding my mothers death and the circumstances surrounding it, I definitely had a few days of despair regarding what I perceived the cause of her departure from this life. I felt there was malpractice and I was angry about that.
I later spoke to different relatives who where present. Stories differ but a common thread involves the exercise of medical care by persons either with too little experience or the wrong training. My feelings evolved from anger to pity.
I decided not be angry at the institution where my mother passed. I decided not give them dominion in my mind. I decided to let it go. Let go of the legal ramifications. I decided to be free of the emotional entrapment or the temptation to pursue illusory justice. Satisfaction has no real value. Instead, I move on from all of that and continue to attempt simply to live.